did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
