I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize