Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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