I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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