At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
