Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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