i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
