P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
