He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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