Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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