So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
