Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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