my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
