I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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