The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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