I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
