You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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