You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
