It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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