so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize