Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
