From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
