"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize