Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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