Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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