i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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