He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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