My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
