so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
