Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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