I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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