if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
