yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
