hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
