my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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