Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
