I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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