Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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