dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
