I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I want her autograph on my taint
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
