I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
