Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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