If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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