just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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