The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
