if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
