i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
