Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
