Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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