I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
