I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
