God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Quick, to the slutcave!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
