Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
kristin has been a bad kristin
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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