If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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