next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
