i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
