i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I didn't notice because vodka
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
