look no pants
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
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