hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Let's get the cat blown out
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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