I want to have your abortion
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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