it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize