no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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