I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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