birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
