so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
