Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
