Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
