I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
