We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
