New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
