the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
