sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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