Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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