i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
