never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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